Everyone gets angry. Too few try to understand why it happens.

It is completely unacceptable to simply say, “Well, that’s how I am – that’s how God made me.” At best, it’s wrong. At worst, it’s a bald lie. Functionally, it’s a resignation of sorts, a way of “giving in” to a destructive weakness.

Accepting or even embracing this weakness is nothing less than admitting defeat.  Part of what makes anger so insidious is that it is almost never a victimless outburst. There is commonly collateral damage, others who end up wounded by anger’s harm. Unfettered anger ends up spraying shards of discord and animosity amongst people who could otherwise be in unity. Anger is destructive. It destroys all parties.

It is one thing to ask “What makes you angry?” But another thing altogether to ask, “Why are you angry?” The “what” is an endless list that certainly includes getting your pizza delivered with the toppings stuck to the box, politics and social issues, or telemarketers and email SPAM. Found beneath this ever-growing list is the other question about the “why” of anger. Candidly, this is the far more important question to address.

This reasons for “why” could be an equally broad list as the “what” list, but most of the “why” reasons find shade under these three generalized explanations/triggers:

1. I’ve been wronged.
2. I’ve been offended.
3. I’ve been inconvenienced.

If any one of these is the “why,” then reason demands that there is a wrong-doer, an offender, an inconvenience-er who needs to be held in account for making you feel this way. You see, the angry person is a self-perceived victim. As such, the angry person is also is self-justified in their anger. Consequently, the victim becomes an offender (a wrong-doer, an offender, and inconvenience-er — all/each as an expression of executing justice against the perceived wrongdoing/wrongdoer).

This is predictably destructive: Typically, the “victim” explodes at the “offender” in judgment or implodes inward in an indirect attempt to penalize the other. In either scenario, the result is almost always detrimental, the carnage afterward is usually worse than the original situation, and the original situation is never any closer to being remedied.

The route to overcoming anger is not found in anger management techniques. That’s why they are called what they are. They manage anger that’s already there…and they are useful for that purpose. A better solution is to develop strategies that avoid anger altogether by providing better responses, so as to minimize those circumstances when anger management becomes necessary. With that in mind, here’s a few ideas to help avoid anger:

1. Keep Perspective. Offenses fall into two categories, and having a proper perspective on the offense helps to produce a proper reaction.
   • Unintentional offenses either occur by accident or in ignorance, so treat them as such and respond to the offender with grace. Accidents happen, and a lot of them have happened at your own hand.
   • Intentional offenses were committed on purpose. This gives you a great opportunity for a quick self-assessment (did you do something to provoke the offense?), and either be humble for your provocation, or (if you have been truly victimized) use the offense as your opportunity meet with God and let him control your response. Be humble enough with God to recognize that you at times still offend God with your thoughts or deeds and he still forgives you. This is an opportunity for you to put your faith into practice and forgive as you’ve been forgiven.
2. Appeal to a Higher Court. Anger is the verdict of judgment pronounced by a merciless judge. The problem is, that job is above your pay grade and you haven’t been promoted into that role by the One who rightly sits in the seat of judgment. Accordingly, you will often make your judgments with too shallow of perspective, too little knowledge of too few of the details, and too insignificant of an understanding. So your judgment is flawed, your punishment is unjust and ineffective, and the victim (yourself) ends up bearing the burden of the judgment even more often than intended condemned, the offender. If you have been wronged, your job is to appeal to God for judgment (and justice), and trust that He will make the proper judgment against the offense. Doing so releases you from responsibilities you were never designed to effectively accomplish and frees you to forgive, to love, and to grow.
3. Forgive. Forgiveness is a supernatural action, requiring overcoming your natural will that demands for accountability. Not only are you releasing judgment to the higher court, but you are actively absolving the offender of the action. There is a lot to risk in forgiving – a lack of repentance, an acceptance of the potential for being perceived as weak and/or gullible, and the very palpable risk of a repeat offense. Even so, the risks of not forgiving are much greater and far more assured. Forgiveness is a great act of faith that is much more about your belief in God and his justice than it is in any way about any expectation of reaction you may anticipate on the part of the offender.
4. Deal in Short Accounts. Partake in actions 1-3 on an regular basis, as often as necessary. I once had a guy try to tell me that as long as he dealt with his anger before he died, he was being biblical. The Bible says “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” This means deal with it on a daily basis, not on an annual one (or longer). When anger goes unresolved, it festers. And just like any other festering abscess, the infection causes pus that stinks, a wound that is tender and sore, that seeps and doesn’t heal. Even in the best cases, these unattended wounds leave a nasty scar. The longer it goes unchecked, the more damage it wreaks and the more it immobilizes the wounded person. Go quickly in humility to those others who have offended you, and keep your account short. One important note – the only way to do that is to keep your own account of offenses against God equally short. This axiom reveals the direct relationship with your ability to keep short accounts with others.

I encourage you to be more merciless with the roots of your own anger than you tend to be with the objects of your anger. Remember that the object of your anger is a real person…don’t objectify them. Don’t de-humanize them or reduce them to their offense to justify your wrath. God doesn’t do that with you and he doesn’t want you to do that to others.